The perfect Valentine's Day gift

Valentine's Day is a comin'. Let's do something special for that special someone this year. Skip the cliched flowers and heart-shaped box of chocolates, they just tell the world you're lazy and only willing to do the absolute minimum when it comes to romancing. Let's not do the expensive jewelry thing either, that really just wrecks the curve. Here's my suggestion, it's something that I think will really be a show stopper.

Nothing says I love you quite like a solid block of rich, dark chocolate molded in the exact dimensions of your own heart. Here's how to do it. Go to a doctor, preferably one that operates on a fold out table down some dark alley. Pay him the requisite fee of $500. He'll hook you up to some very professional-looking machinery. Along with his fine medical team, he'll cut you open, hopefully using a non-invasive incision like the autopsy y-cut. From there, he'll clamp off some of your blood vessels, as a machine will now circulate the blood through your system, and carefully extract your heart. He'll then put your heart in a container and cover it in quick setting plaster. After the plaster has had time to cure, he'll painstakingly saw the mold in half, making sure not to damage any living tissue, brush off the heart, and then place it snugly back into your chest cavity. With some reattaching of arteries and restarting your heart, he'll close up your chest. Voila, you can now make exact replicas of your own heart out of whatever you'd like. In the spirit of Valentine's day, chocolate seems the most appropriate, but feel free to use Jello or frozen orange juice or anything that will hold the shape. Be creative!

Also, keep in mind that Valentine's day is also known as National Organ Donor Day, so if you don't have a sweetheart, you can still give someone a sweet heart.