This is science

Scientific research has received a lot of much deserved approbation over the past few decades. As with all things, however, there is a draw back. Ceaselessly, it seems like sweet things from back in the day are being undone by recent scientific advancements. I thought science was supposed to bring us all good things, like new ways to high five and low carb granola. Apparently, though, the guys that invented anthrax and Joel David Moore's fedora were more on the money. Science isn't about progress anymore, it's about copy editing the past. And not the historical whammies, either, but the long revered gems that highlighted our childhoods.

Ever heard of a little planet called Pluto? Of course not. That's because it's not a planet anymore, it's a planetoid or some crazy nonsense like that. Pluto was a great little planet. It kept things fresh; you never really knew what was going on out there with that guy. You're telling me that a freakshow like Uranus is a better planet than Pluto? Unlikely. Pluto was the Roman god of death or something. Did you even know that Uranus didn't mean your poop hole? Yeah, that was a real shocker.

Science has also emasculated the once terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex. Gone are the days when the mighty T-Rex roamed the prehistoric landscape chompin' on lesser beings (Joel David Moore, for instance) on a whim with his massive dinosaur dong swaying in the breeze. What are we left with now? Scientists tell us that the T-Rex was a lowly scavenger, just feeding on the discarded leftovers of superior dinos. What the hell is that? That's not any more terrifying than a pregnant alley cat listlessly picking through a Dumpster behind that Panera Bread. Also, apparently the T-Rex couldn't run, it could just barely manage a saunter. You remember that scene from Jurassic Park? Well, according to the latest research, a T-Rex would be hard pressed to catch you if you were riding in a hansom cab at a brisk pace.

And then it seems like the more research that goes into fighting cancer, the more things that end up causing cancer. Coincidence? Probably. It's like they don't want me to drink a can of good ol' fashioned Monster energy drink or eat food from the microwave or touch my phone to my penis. Back in the days when men were men and no one worried about double checking facts or researching things, I could just kick back with a bowl of deep fried lead paint chips and sit really close to the tv.

Now the scientists and researchers are developing all these new ways to help prevent this, or eliminate the negative effects of that. Listen, if I wanted someone to follow me around and tell me not to eat Yellow 5, or drink melted down, bpa-laden plastic water bottles, I would still be living with my mom.

She's a scientist.